Feelings of inadequacy

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I am ready for anything, other times I wake up, because my alarm went off and I just wish I could stay in bead for the day, doing nothing. I know on these days that in reality I would feel awful at the end of the day, but I wish I could have a lazy day without feeling worse about myself afterwards. Part of the reason I would wish for a lazy day is escapism, I sometimes wish I could just get away from life, from petty things like money and as a student, marks. I just want to leave it all behind and live like a hermit in a forest somewhere getting food when I need it, and not having to interact with people.

I know it’s not possible in the world I live in though. In order to survive there are certain standards that have to be met. For one thing, living in the forest would not be allowed (unless say I owned the forest), for another, there is no way to get food without money and no money unless you work, and there is no work that means you never interact with people. So that means every day I get out of bed and I get ready to meet what the day may throw at me. It isn’t always easy to keep going through the day, especially when it has a slow start, but I must get through in order to fulfil my dreams.

Unfortunately sometimes I get up to push through a slow day, and then end up feeling extremely inadequate when I just can’t remember some formula, or how to solve a certain problem, and it looks like it should be simple but I JUST CAN’T DO IT! It’s frustrating to say the least, and it leaves me feeling down, and like there is no way out of this slump. I remember all the stupid things I’ve done that I need to fix, the lost things that I need to find or sadly replace, and these things start to get me down. I just want to hide my head in the sand and let the world fix its own problems; unfortunately the world can’t just randomly fix my problems and so I get depressed. 

I then remember the things that should be making me feel better about myself, and they really don’t help, in fact half the time they make me feel worse. I know that there are people who love me, and that there is a God who will never leave me and never forsake me, but I feel like I have let them down. Like I should be perfect because of that love that they have for me, but I can’t. I can’t always get everything right, I don’t know everything that they want me too. I can’t live up to my own standards. Admittedly I am somewhat a perfectionist, and I dislike being wrong about anything, but it can get depressing if things just aren’t going the way you want them to.

There are times when I find myself wishing I could just lose the perfectionist trait from my character because it works against me so often, but I know that I cannot lose a trait, I can only work at living with it and using it to make a positive difference and not to make impossibilities for myself. Sadly that’s easier said than done, and I actually have no idea where to start. Unless of course it is right here, and I have already started simply by expressing some of my feelings of inadequacy, but it really doesn’t feel like enough. Ironic I know and rather recursive. So if you’re bored you can read this again and again, and see that I still feel inadequate at the end.

I must append a short post script here, as I had to face people to get internet, I found that the best way to feel better, was to interact with those people who care about me.