Running away

Fear, a strange emotion, and more often than not, a completely irrational feeling. The things that we are scared of are often things we can do nothing about, perhaps that's why they scare us. But sometimes we are far more scared of the difficulty we have faced before.

I know that one thing I fear, perhaps irrationally, is failure. To make matters worse if I have to repeat something I have failed previously the days beforehand are far worser than the days before my first attempt.

The problem? I have no idea how to effectively and productively deal with the fear and nervousness that I find bothering me. I end up procrastinating the things I know I can do, and just ignoring life in general. Or at least that's what I do when I'm on holiday, because when I have other things that I cannot ignore I find it much easier to focus, and to get through whatever it is that is freaking me out, be it a test or exam, or something else entirely. I sit all day reading, or watching movies, or series, or anime, and listening to wild, heavy music, that probably isn't helping my emotions.

I find myself dreaming of escaping into a fantasy world. I dream of living in the story of a favorite book, or mixing together various different stories, with myself the center of attention. Unfortunately I know these things will never happen, and so when I bring myself back to reality I feel guilty about trying to escape everything, which only adds to the bad feelings swimming around in my stomach (at least that's where it feels worst).

The problem with my fear of failure, is that I know I can do something, but when I have to be tested I freak out. I've tried for optimism, and then failed, and so now I know that I don't want to fail again. But I can't feel like this time I'll make it, I want the pass too much to just let it go, but I can't convince myself that I will pass, because I don't want to end up hurting again.

So what do I do to deal with the fear? I suppose, rather than ignoring the problem I should tackle it head on, find out everything I can, and study whatever I need to to get through the "test". Problem, that isn't easy. Sure I can hit myself over the head with the cliché about doing what is right not what is easy, but it isn't a matter of life or death, so really, sometimes I wonder what the point is. The only person who will be really upset if I fail is myself, and I really shouldn't put myself under so much pressure.

So what do I do? Do I take the easy way out, or do I decide to tackle my problems head on? Well to tell you the truth, it depends on the nature of the problem, and if I've succeeded or failed with a problem of that nature before. If I've succeeded at something similar before, then I can certainly handle any variation. If, however, I've failed at something similar before, it will depend on how much it matters, and hoe easy the task is. An easy task I will fight to get right, a difficult one, I might give up.