What's really there

Many people would ask "Why other side of the mask?" and I would have to answer now, that perhaps it is a cry for attention, a cry out for people to notice that there is more to me than the outward appearance that I show.

My blog posts are almost all written in times of emotion and stress, times when I feel depressed and/or angry. I write to express emotions that other-wise end up bottled inside, which any-one could tell you, is extremely dangerous. I write my posts to attempt to let the world see another side to me, a side that has never been shown to any-one except the LORD Jesus Christ who knows me better than I know myself.

This is my attempt now to say, look at who I really am, and listen to me please, I take a while to get started but then the emotion takes over and I simply let go. Somehow it's easier when I don't have to watch as some-one listens to me pouring out all my angst. But here goes.

I want to expose a side of me that I seldom show to any one. I like to put on a mask of courage, and so when around people, no matter how close they are to me, I show as little weakness as I can. I am self-assured, and have no doubts as to my future. I am completely in control of my life, and I seem to be doing exactly the right thing for me.

But at night, when I'm all alone with my thoughts, I start to wonder, will i ever actually make it there? Will I ever achieve that? Will I be able to complete what I am doing now, finish my degree and get a job? Will I ever live my dreams one hundred percent?

These are the uncertainties that nag at the edges off my conscious mind, these are the things that truly worry me. These are the things that cause me the most distress, the things that cause me to try and escape. I turn to material and foolish things. I dream big, of a big house, a big business or project, maybe even a big family. But through it all, some how I always dream of helping people.

This gives me some hope. I know that if I can just get through these uncertainties and take control of my life once more I can get myself into a position where I can make a difference. Perhaps one day I will change someone's life, and then i will know it was all worth it.

With the help of the LORD I believe it might be possible. I might be able to achieve my biggest dreams, I might even be able to take the mask off in person in front of a friend. But most of all, I must believe with all of my heart that I am in a position that he wishes for me to be in. Other wise my life loses all meaning. If it were not for my Heavenly Father and my LORD Jesus Christ, my life would be a different story. Unfortunately, that is a story for another time for now, I will take what hope I can from my belief, and I will do my best to trust in the LORD.