A change in tone

A new year and a new start. A cliche that can really take on a lot of meaning in one's life. My new start with my blog will take the form of a change in style, or tone.

I've done some thinking, and its all very well to blog about the abstract, and whats going on deep inside, but sometimes what is on the surface or just under the surface is just as important to who we really are. There are things that happen in life that really do help to define us, but they are sometimes so commonplace that we skip over them, thinking they're part of our mask.

What is often really important is to find out who we think we are, and who we think we're showing ourselves as, because as with many things acceptance is the first step to taking action. So defining the mask, could aid in taking it off.

Somehow for me anything positive can be one of those things that is mistaken for the mask, and underneath I am all gloomy and 'emo' to use a colloquial term. But I really am not. I am actually for the most part an extremely happy and blessed person. I have a loving family and great friends and boyfriend. I am not crying myself to sleep every night, but rather go to bed smiling.

I have been able to get involved in things I love and am passionate about, at my church and university. I can go to Church every week and know that the people there will treat me like family, and will love me for who I am. And working with those people over time to run programs for the youth at the church, can lead to some of the most intense times of spiritual growth and development.

So I hope to be able to lift the tone of my blog, and put some things in a positive light. Sure sometimes its great to air all our troubles, but we really must remember that we should also look back and count our blessings. Life is not all about sadness or hard times, and whilst those are a reality they should perhaps be overwhelmed by the positive things.

So lets get started putting a positive spin on things.

What's really there

Many people would ask "Why other side of the mask?" and I would have to answer now, that perhaps it is a cry for attention, a cry out for people to notice that there is more to me than the outward appearance that I show.

My blog posts are almost all written in times of emotion and stress, times when I feel depressed and/or angry. I write to express emotions that other-wise end up bottled inside, which any-one could tell you, is extremely dangerous. I write my posts to attempt to let the world see another side to me, a side that has never been shown to any-one except the LORD Jesus Christ who knows me better than I know myself.

This is my attempt now to say, look at who I really am, and listen to me please, I take a while to get started but then the emotion takes over and I simply let go. Somehow it's easier when I don't have to watch as some-one listens to me pouring out all my angst. But here goes.

I want to expose a side of me that I seldom show to any one. I like to put on a mask of courage, and so when around people, no matter how close they are to me, I show as little weakness as I can. I am self-assured, and have no doubts as to my future. I am completely in control of my life, and I seem to be doing exactly the right thing for me.

But at night, when I'm all alone with my thoughts, I start to wonder, will i ever actually make it there? Will I ever achieve that? Will I be able to complete what I am doing now, finish my degree and get a job? Will I ever live my dreams one hundred percent?

These are the uncertainties that nag at the edges off my conscious mind, these are the things that truly worry me. These are the things that cause me the most distress, the things that cause me to try and escape. I turn to material and foolish things. I dream big, of a big house, a big business or project, maybe even a big family. But through it all, some how I always dream of helping people.

This gives me some hope. I know that if I can just get through these uncertainties and take control of my life once more I can get myself into a position where I can make a difference. Perhaps one day I will change someone's life, and then i will know it was all worth it.

With the help of the LORD I believe it might be possible. I might be able to achieve my biggest dreams, I might even be able to take the mask off in person in front of a friend. But most of all, I must believe with all of my heart that I am in a position that he wishes for me to be in. Other wise my life loses all meaning. If it were not for my Heavenly Father and my LORD Jesus Christ, my life would be a different story. Unfortunately, that is a story for another time for now, I will take what hope I can from my belief, and I will do my best to trust in the LORD.

Stepping back

Sometimes I feel really selfish. Mostly when I decide something didn't go the way I would have liked, or when I put in a lot of time and effort but get nothing out.

I went to a workshop today, hoping to learn something and to work through some thing I had started with the experts, but there wasn't time for my piece because I went and helped someone else with there's. So afterwards, tired and feeling slightly depressed I went home, knowing that the stuff I wanted to put out for work-shopping was still in my notebook completely unseen. Part of the problem is my over independence, and pride in my own abilities. There is also a problem, that I am unable to say to someone, "but it's my turn now" and I don't like to be in the limelight too much.

If I am too scared to draw attention on myself, and to ask for some time with people focusing on me, do I have any right to feel disappointed when I walk out feeling inferior and unnoticed? I know in my head that if I were to ask for attention it would be given to me, but I have spent my life staying out of the way. I have spent a lot of time not drawing too much attention to myself, and allowing others to get attention. I sometimes think that perhaps I am a little too giving and people take me for granted.

I don't know if others realise what I do, and I know that it is only ever afterwards, when I'm feeling down, that I realise what I was doing all day. If I cannot always tell that I am giving too much, how can others? If I never push myself forward, I will never get real recognition of what I do, but if I push myself forward I feel really selfish, and stupid. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ever get the recognition that I want without putting my feelings into an eternal conflict?

I suppose I blame society for many of what I think of as my "psychological problems". Society doesn't like emotional people. Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness, anger is also portrayed as a big problem emotion. People all want attention on themselves, so the people who are willing to step back, and leave the spotlight, often get walked all over by everyone else. Society is what I think has created the mask that I wear, the mask which I am trying to see through, but I am finding it difficult, as it is rather solid and well established.

I am so used to seeing me wearing the mask, that I get scared if I catch a glimpse of what is behind. The mask is so natural and so realistic that most people would never believe it to be there at all.

What is my mask?

First bit of introspection, what is the mask that I seem to wear? I think the mask is the reason why I'm always happy around people, I never have a completely down and grumpy day. Sure I might be tired but I still joke around. so far this doesn't seem like a problem. In fact, I'm sure there are loads of people who wish this was true of themselves. The problem comes when I realise that for this reason I avoid conflict, I cannot stand it when people fight, and I am too scared to tell someone that they offended me.

Am I scared that people will only like me whilst I'm happy and never offended by the things they say? Am scared that if I stand up for something I believe in people will reject me because I am not your average person? I know that technically that shouldn't bother me in the least, but it does. I know academically that people would accept me as I am, but I haven't been able to remove the mask of happiness, and relaxation. I haven't told anyone that a flippant comment they made actually hurt. I haven't brought myself to trust them that much.

So is my mask something that hides a lack of trust in others or is something that hides the fact that I am scared of rejection? Possibly I would say a bit of both. I do not have enough trust to share all my feelings, and I am definitely terrified of being rejected by everyone, even though I know that will never happen.

First time around

Taking the first step in doing something like this is often scary. In fact, I'm find that putting my thoughts out where anyone could see them, is possibly one of the scariest things I could do. However, that leads me to the point of the blog. Not written so that everybody knows exactly who I am, this is meant to make me feel free to say anything. I don 't want to be ridiculus though.
I want to put what I'm feeling or thinking, but I'm too scared to share in day to day life, on here. In other words, find what is on the other side of the mask I suspect I wear. This is the first step, accepting that there is a mask to look behind. So I hope I don't come across as an angsty teenager, but I do want to look at myself carefully and I hope to learn something.