A bit of this, a bit of that

Really, my life is an interesting mix of different pieces. I have all the "I'm working harder than I have for years" stuff with my honours course work. I have the "yay, I get to play hockey with cool people" stuff. I also have the "I just got bored out of my socks while learning a lot at youth synod" stuff. So, a fairly even mix of everything, yeah? But t is a bit of this and a bit of that.

I spent Friday night and most of Saturday at the Cape of Good Hope district Youth Synod that was held in Hout bay this weekend. It was at the same time really interesting and really boring. The business stuff, where people were giving the same points over and over again, in different words and accents, was not so much fun. But there was also a lot of really useful information that I came out with. Stuff about the Laws and Disciplines of the MCSA that I didn't know. It was also a bit of a networking experience. I could see that in the district there are people who are trying to make things better for the youth of this area.

I was mostly frustrated by the lack of organisation for this weekend, and the inability of things to run on time, and of course, even when everything runs over, pretty much nothing can be cancelled, except for the parts where the person who has come to present leaves because the time is over and they haven't started. I do appreciate that these things are difficult to organise, and that the delegates were all woefully under-prepared, but I do think that it could be made to work. I also think, that if I'm not careful, I might find myself one of the people who has to try and organise such things in the future. Not for at least a year, but this time next year, I will have much more of a feel for what is happening in my circuit, and more of a presence in the district. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but I have to avoid it until I have the time.

That is one bit of this. Other things that happen, I finally handed in the NVP/PCU business plan that has been plaguing me for the last few weeks. I do not have to care about it any more, except perhaps to wonder what my mark will be like. It is over, there is no possible way for me to change it now. I am glad, it is a relief to have that off my shoulders. Not that it means my work load is any less. I have an evolutionary computing algorithm to code up to solve the travelling salesman problem (which is apparently not a terribly hard thing, it just needs to run a zillion times). Also, there is this weird information retrieval thing that I need to help with. When I say weird, I mean we aren't even that sure about what we have to get done, other than the fact that it might well require learning XSLT, to convert the format of about 10GB of XML into the right format.

Besides those two projects there is a write up for the visualisation that has been pretty much created, and we need to try and make it sit happily on a website, possibly through some clever javascript that other people have written. Beyond that there is always maths (which is still cool) and I have been learning tikz, because I have to type up my Graph Theory homework using LaTeX. That is kind of fun though. Writing out these nodes and an edge set and seeing it come out as a nice picture with very straight neat lines.

What else, oh yes, hockey, I have trials tomorrow night. That will be cool, if I don't get lost on the way to the astro, but I'm sure I will find my way. People did actually tell me where it is, and this seems to agree with Google Maps, so I stand a chance.

See, very much a bit of this and a bit of that.
But all very much worth doing. For all my exhaustion, I am having a really good time this year.

Summer holidays

This is the feeling of the summer holidays. The feeling of almost sleepiness, having just finished a good book. Knowing that there is another to read when you are ready for it and have completely digested this one. There is the sound of children playing just outside the window, not quiet, and not helpful if you are trying to work, but a relaxed sound. The sound of children enjoying the sun that is shining brightly for once. There is a slight breeze, and it is actually sligtly warmer than is ideal. But it is holidays and you have no time constraints whatsoever. Your desk is covered with fun projects that you want to complete and will choose to complete at your leasure. You are reminded of the times that you spent playing in gardens and parks with friends and siblings. Good times, with the fun, simple games of childhood. Reminded of books read in the garden, or by the pool, surrounded by friends and family. This is the feeling of the summer holidays. This is the feeling of the Christmas holidays, and it is a good feeling. Even though you have grown much older, there will always remain a feeling that this is what the summer holidays should be.

Feeling loved

Everyone wants to be loved by someone. We don't all know where to look for that love or what form we want that love in, but when someone tells us they love us we feel happy.

Sometimes we look for love by trying to be the best at everything, we mistake recognition for love. Sometimes we look to people for love. Random people, or people we know. We look to friends and family to comfort us in times of need or distress. This is healthy and normal.

Looking to people we know love us to affirm that love can help boost our confidence and kick us out of whatever funk we may have fallen into.

However, this Sunday I experienced the most awesome love. Whilst worshipping in a church service, I found myself crying. Then the worship leader started playing a softer song, and told us to pray for forgiveness, and to forgive ourselves for what we had been holding onto. During this time of prayer, I felt as though someone was giving the biggest and most comforting hug ever. God held me in his arms, and told me that he forgave me everything I had done.

I stood up again later feeling more at peace with the world, and with myself than I had for ages. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I hadn't even known it was there.

This is the most amazing love, the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Happiness

I have found, that when life is going well, I don't stop to consider my actions as often. I am quite happy to just carry on with things as they are. I don't feel the need to change or to instigate change. It is this complacency that catches me out though. I stop having to try, and then when a challenge does come along I don't know what to do with it, I am unused to solving problems in my life and I struggle more than I should.

If I were to inspect my life when things are going easily what would I find? Is life going well because of something that I should make note of for when it is not? Is there something that I am suppressing that should be dealt with now that might cause me pain later? Well perhaps now is the time to have a look.

My life is pretty good at the moment, I have good friends, a loving family and I'm not having any trouble with my studies. I have the opportunity to play hockey twice or three times a week, and I am able to get eight to ten hours of sleep every night. I have slipped into the routine of University life fairly easily after the holidays, and my biggest worry is when/where I am going to eat my lunch.

So what is different now to the times when I feel stupid, unloved, or otherwise depressed? What am I doing that I don't do then? One thing could be that I am getting plenty of sleep, but there are times when I feel on top of my game and I have had too little sleep. There are also times when I've had plenty of sleep, and still felt absolutely awful.

Summer is coming, perhaps its that, I am enjoying the warmer weather and sunshine, but summer is not all "sunshine and daisies" to use the cliche, it has plenty of grey, rainy days. Maybe I am keeping busy, and so have no time to feel depressed, but when I have no time I do get stressed and negative.

So why am I happy? Should I be asking the question like this, or should I just accept the fact that I am happy and appreciate it without trying to take it apart as if it were wrong, and should not be allowed. If I try hard enough, I can think of many things to be depressed and negative about, but if I just do not allow myself that option, I can remain happy for that much longer.

What is my mask?

First bit of introspection, what is the mask that I seem to wear? I think the mask is the reason why I'm always happy around people, I never have a completely down and grumpy day. Sure I might be tired but I still joke around. so far this doesn't seem like a problem. In fact, I'm sure there are loads of people who wish this was true of themselves. The problem comes when I realise that for this reason I avoid conflict, I cannot stand it when people fight, and I am too scared to tell someone that they offended me.

Am I scared that people will only like me whilst I'm happy and never offended by the things they say? Am scared that if I stand up for something I believe in people will reject me because I am not your average person? I know that technically that shouldn't bother me in the least, but it does. I know academically that people would accept me as I am, but I haven't been able to remove the mask of happiness, and relaxation. I haven't told anyone that a flippant comment they made actually hurt. I haven't brought myself to trust them that much.

So is my mask something that hides a lack of trust in others or is something that hides the fact that I am scared of rejection? Possibly I would say a bit of both. I do not have enough trust to share all my feelings, and I am definitely terrified of being rejected by everyone, even though I know that will never happen.