Working for God

Oh, look, its been about a month since my last post. You know what else? I have just had blog-worthy stuff happening in my life. It's kinda weird how that can happen. Maybe I'm subconsciously saving everything up for a monthly release into the world. It could happen, right? But never mind that, I don't want to right a post about what's happening in my head, instead I want to share what's been happening in my life.

I think I mentioned in my last post that I was going to be embarking on an internship, well I did. I spent two weeks working in a finance area. There were five of us in the internship, two with computer science backgrounds, and three who are studying finance. We arrived nervous and unsure of what to expect. By lunch on Day one, we knew what we had to do, and we knew that it would be a lot of hard work. Essentially, for those who know about pension funds, we had to hedge two different types of annuities in two weeks. We were given tons of assumptions we could make, and told of some simplifications which actually caused issues later on, but we all learned loads. I picked up a feel foe financial stuff that I never expected to have, which I'm sure will serve me very well in the future, and I learned quite a bit about working with a brand new team of people.

Overall the internship was good. But there were some troubling things. One, the pressure we were under. It was unreal. It was also mostly self imposed, or rather group imposed. I didn't like it, but we worked insane hours (in my opinion) and had limited rewards for that. I didn't even work the worst hours of the lot. Another, and it's a rather funny small thing, but I got sick. Probably because of working really hard and not being able to send a sick team mate home because of time restrictions.

After the internship though, is when things get really interesting. I had the opportunity to attend a Chrysalis flight. A weekend of such love, and intensity as I have never felt. They say it is a once in a lifetime experience, and I can understand why. If it wasn't, I think young people would be flooding the flights, and the experience would end up watered down. So, briefly, what is a Chrysalis flight?

A Chrysalis flight is kind of a "young people's version" of the Walk to Emmaus. Based on the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly, by spending time in a cocoon or chrysalis. This is a three day camp where young people are immersed in God's love, having to rely on others for everything, and so learning to let go of there lives. It is a time to truly experience that God is love, and a time to grow closer to God through study. Surrounded by an international community of prayer, the caterpillars are so soaked in prayer that it is surprising we do not end up saturated. That community offers support beyond the three day walk, allowing the butterflies who emerge to grow further in relationship with one another and Christ.

On this weekend I discovered that I am not as alone in my situation as I have often felt. I have met others who are in the same kind of place as me, and who are the same kind of age as me. It is this that truly made Chrysalis for me. That sense of never actually being alone has touched many lives over the years, and this weekend people shared with us what it meant to them, so inspiring us to share with others. I feel that I did indeed grow in my journey with Christ, and in the spirit of the title of this blog, I think I can share that I felt that two things I really needed to leave at the cross with Jesus were my pride and my fear of rejection. How well I will do at actually leaving them behind me I do not know, but with Jesus I believe I can overcome then, and live my life more fully in the hands and plans of God.

For all I speak of the joy that Chrysalis was (and I loved every moment, even when tired) there is a problem. After any type of high, be it chemical, spiritual, or emotional, there will always come a crash. For me that came when I returned home, and started having to deal with real life again. Being sick, and completely losing my voice make small things seem worse. Trying to respond to all my email, and make sure that I don't miss anything important. Catching up to varsity stuff once again, after ignoring it for a while. Having administrative errors on my side, coming from past mistakes, and things being in my calendar wrongly. All of these things were no easier to deal with for having been connected solely to God over the weekend. But I rest assured in his love for me. That no matter how bad things may seem, in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have been called. I'm not sure where yet, but God has a plan, and I want to follow that plan.

A bit of this, a bit of that

Really, my life is an interesting mix of different pieces. I have all the "I'm working harder than I have for years" stuff with my honours course work. I have the "yay, I get to play hockey with cool people" stuff. I also have the "I just got bored out of my socks while learning a lot at youth synod" stuff. So, a fairly even mix of everything, yeah? But t is a bit of this and a bit of that.

I spent Friday night and most of Saturday at the Cape of Good Hope district Youth Synod that was held in Hout bay this weekend. It was at the same time really interesting and really boring. The business stuff, where people were giving the same points over and over again, in different words and accents, was not so much fun. But there was also a lot of really useful information that I came out with. Stuff about the Laws and Disciplines of the MCSA that I didn't know. It was also a bit of a networking experience. I could see that in the district there are people who are trying to make things better for the youth of this area.

I was mostly frustrated by the lack of organisation for this weekend, and the inability of things to run on time, and of course, even when everything runs over, pretty much nothing can be cancelled, except for the parts where the person who has come to present leaves because the time is over and they haven't started. I do appreciate that these things are difficult to organise, and that the delegates were all woefully under-prepared, but I do think that it could be made to work. I also think, that if I'm not careful, I might find myself one of the people who has to try and organise such things in the future. Not for at least a year, but this time next year, I will have much more of a feel for what is happening in my circuit, and more of a presence in the district. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but I have to avoid it until I have the time.

That is one bit of this. Other things that happen, I finally handed in the NVP/PCU business plan that has been plaguing me for the last few weeks. I do not have to care about it any more, except perhaps to wonder what my mark will be like. It is over, there is no possible way for me to change it now. I am glad, it is a relief to have that off my shoulders. Not that it means my work load is any less. I have an evolutionary computing algorithm to code up to solve the travelling salesman problem (which is apparently not a terribly hard thing, it just needs to run a zillion times). Also, there is this weird information retrieval thing that I need to help with. When I say weird, I mean we aren't even that sure about what we have to get done, other than the fact that it might well require learning XSLT, to convert the format of about 10GB of XML into the right format.

Besides those two projects there is a write up for the visualisation that has been pretty much created, and we need to try and make it sit happily on a website, possibly through some clever javascript that other people have written. Beyond that there is always maths (which is still cool) and I have been learning tikz, because I have to type up my Graph Theory homework using LaTeX. That is kind of fun though. Writing out these nodes and an edge set and seeing it come out as a nice picture with very straight neat lines.

What else, oh yes, hockey, I have trials tomorrow night. That will be cool, if I don't get lost on the way to the astro, but I'm sure I will find my way. People did actually tell me where it is, and this seems to agree with Google Maps, so I stand a chance.

See, very much a bit of this and a bit of that.
But all very much worth doing. For all my exhaustion, I am having a really good time this year.

Pressure

Being under pressure sucks. That said, maybe I should have a look at my life, and realise that there is so much that doesn't suck for me right now, in fact I am really blessed. Even though I am feeling the pressure, how many people can say that they are doing their final year of a degree in physics and computer science, and aiming to be top of the class in all courses, and acting as class representative for three out of four classes? I have been given oportunities, I need only to make the most of them. Yes it is hard when I have four reports to write before Wednesday, and for one of them the data is dodgy. But over all, I have been given a chance not everyone will get.

I have had the priviledge of being a leader on a youth camp. Doing something I love, and making sure that everything keeps happening, and that everyone has everything that they need. It was great, we had a chance to minister to kids from all sorts of backgrounds, and I also, as a bit of a bonus, got to catch up with some friends who I don't see nearly enough of. It did chew about five days during which I could have been doing varsity work, but it was a sacrifice well worth making, even if it is adding to my pressure now.

As I feel the pressure groing inside of me, and start feeling more.and more like I'm going to explode, I start to write more in my journal, which leads me into praying more. And that leads me to realise just how blessed I am to be able to take everything to God in prayer, and know that he will be able to sort it out, and that He will make everything turn out good in the end. Even if I skrew up, Jesus is able to fix my mistakes, and has a plan for me. Romans 8:28 says "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So as a conclusion to that, I suppose I can say, that even when it feels like the pressure is too much, I know that I am never alone, and that I have been blessed beyond what I would think to ask for if I was given the opportunity.

A change in tone

A new year and a new start. A cliche that can really take on a lot of meaning in one's life. My new start with my blog will take the form of a change in style, or tone.

I've done some thinking, and its all very well to blog about the abstract, and whats going on deep inside, but sometimes what is on the surface or just under the surface is just as important to who we really are. There are things that happen in life that really do help to define us, but they are sometimes so commonplace that we skip over them, thinking they're part of our mask.

What is often really important is to find out who we think we are, and who we think we're showing ourselves as, because as with many things acceptance is the first step to taking action. So defining the mask, could aid in taking it off.

Somehow for me anything positive can be one of those things that is mistaken for the mask, and underneath I am all gloomy and 'emo' to use a colloquial term. But I really am not. I am actually for the most part an extremely happy and blessed person. I have a loving family and great friends and boyfriend. I am not crying myself to sleep every night, but rather go to bed smiling.

I have been able to get involved in things I love and am passionate about, at my church and university. I can go to Church every week and know that the people there will treat me like family, and will love me for who I am. And working with those people over time to run programs for the youth at the church, can lead to some of the most intense times of spiritual growth and development.

So I hope to be able to lift the tone of my blog, and put some things in a positive light. Sure sometimes its great to air all our troubles, but we really must remember that we should also look back and count our blessings. Life is not all about sadness or hard times, and whilst those are a reality they should perhaps be overwhelmed by the positive things.

So lets get started putting a positive spin on things.

Feeling loved

Everyone wants to be loved by someone. We don't all know where to look for that love or what form we want that love in, but when someone tells us they love us we feel happy.

Sometimes we look for love by trying to be the best at everything, we mistake recognition for love. Sometimes we look to people for love. Random people, or people we know. We look to friends and family to comfort us in times of need or distress. This is healthy and normal.

Looking to people we know love us to affirm that love can help boost our confidence and kick us out of whatever funk we may have fallen into.

However, this Sunday I experienced the most awesome love. Whilst worshipping in a church service, I found myself crying. Then the worship leader started playing a softer song, and told us to pray for forgiveness, and to forgive ourselves for what we had been holding onto. During this time of prayer, I felt as though someone was giving the biggest and most comforting hug ever. God held me in his arms, and told me that he forgave me everything I had done.

I stood up again later feeling more at peace with the world, and with myself than I had for ages. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I hadn't even known it was there.

This is the most amazing love, the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Struggle

As time goes by we struggle with many things in life, in 1976 the youth and people were in a struggle for freedom and their basic human rights. Now we struggle for jobs and education and to right the wrongs that were upheld during the apartheid times.

We all struggle with different things, most people only seeing their own problems or the problems of a certain sector with which they are closely acquainted. We forget that there are others who are less fortunate than ourselves, and just how blessed we truly are. Today we remember what the youth went through during an unfair regime. But mostly we rage against those who brought violence against the school kids from Soweto so many years ago.

I was going to write an article about how I'm struggling now because I'm on holiday and I have nothing to do, but I realised that I am actually really quite spoilt. I have so much at home that I can do, I just don't always recognise that its there. I have decided to learn to play guitar, and I can, because I have a guitar available in my home. There are many people out there who would love to be able to touch a guitar, let alone play one.

When look back on how things used to be, I realise just how blessed I have been. I have been given a loving family, friends, and so many opportunities that at times I am rather overwhelmed. I have access to a tertiary education and to the almost certainty that once I qualify I will find a job.

Let us look back on the hard times that make up the history of our world and be grateful when we live in a time of peace, rather than complaining about the lack of excitement in our lives. Let us count our blessings and thank God if we are unable to do so because they are far too numerous.