New year's eve

New year's eve, and I'm sitting in front of my computer doing some thinking. Most of the world's population is out and about or has plans to be out this evening. Most of those will become so drunk that they wont even remember midnight tonight. Most of them will wake up tomorrow with a headache, some wont wake up at all. People are out having the biggest party of the year, the biggest party because its world wide. There are a few, like me and my family who will spend the evening at home, probably not even staying up until midnight, the biggest change for us being that the date has changes and new things are starting up again.

What I want to know is; what is the point of celebrating the new year? Why do people make such a big fuss about seeing in the new year? If you told me it was just an excuse to have a ginormous party I would believe you. People are willing to go out and risk their lives and the lives of other innocent people because they're driving drunk home from the last party of the year. I can understand wanting to have a joll, but why must people be so irresponsible about it?

I'm sure that the road death toll increases even more in the early hours of January than it does through December. Even though December has Christmas as its major party, which really is huge, its not everyone. There are many religions which do not believe in Christmas, meaning that the followers of those religions have much less of a Christmas party, and many people who do believe in Christmas are much more conservative than those going out partying.

Although I suppose, if you're not going to go mad on Christmas you're less likely to go all out on New Years. Unfortunately, I know there are people who will tone down Christmas, saying its a time for family, but will go wild on new years with their friends. Which means, that everybody who is willing to party at all, will take things up a notch tonight, and be willing to go wild.

If there are so many people who will go wild, that the cops have to extra careful in certain areas, surely they should apply some reason to what they are doing? It seems to me, that on New Year's eve, the entire world forgets to think rationally, and allows for the biggest consumption of alcohol in one evening, world wide, that I can possibly think of. I don't have the data but it makes sense.

So why do people do it? What's so special about the new year? We aren't more mature, We aren't going to have our pasts wiped away, sure we make resolutions, but honestly, we can do that any time. So why start now?

Stepping back

Sometimes I feel really selfish. Mostly when I decide something didn't go the way I would have liked, or when I put in a lot of time and effort but get nothing out.

I went to a workshop today, hoping to learn something and to work through some thing I had started with the experts, but there wasn't time for my piece because I went and helped someone else with there's. So afterwards, tired and feeling slightly depressed I went home, knowing that the stuff I wanted to put out for work-shopping was still in my notebook completely unseen. Part of the problem is my over independence, and pride in my own abilities. There is also a problem, that I am unable to say to someone, "but it's my turn now" and I don't like to be in the limelight too much.

If I am too scared to draw attention on myself, and to ask for some time with people focusing on me, do I have any right to feel disappointed when I walk out feeling inferior and unnoticed? I know in my head that if I were to ask for attention it would be given to me, but I have spent my life staying out of the way. I have spent a lot of time not drawing too much attention to myself, and allowing others to get attention. I sometimes think that perhaps I am a little too giving and people take me for granted.

I don't know if others realise what I do, and I know that it is only ever afterwards, when I'm feeling down, that I realise what I was doing all day. If I cannot always tell that I am giving too much, how can others? If I never push myself forward, I will never get real recognition of what I do, but if I push myself forward I feel really selfish, and stupid. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ever get the recognition that I want without putting my feelings into an eternal conflict?

I suppose I blame society for many of what I think of as my "psychological problems". Society doesn't like emotional people. Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness, anger is also portrayed as a big problem emotion. People all want attention on themselves, so the people who are willing to step back, and leave the spotlight, often get walked all over by everyone else. Society is what I think has created the mask that I wear, the mask which I am trying to see through, but I am finding it difficult, as it is rather solid and well established.

I am so used to seeing me wearing the mask, that I get scared if I catch a glimpse of what is behind. The mask is so natural and so realistic that most people would never believe it to be there at all.