Stepping back

Sometimes I feel really selfish. Mostly when I decide something didn't go the way I would have liked, or when I put in a lot of time and effort but get nothing out.

I went to a workshop today, hoping to learn something and to work through some thing I had started with the experts, but there wasn't time for my piece because I went and helped someone else with there's. So afterwards, tired and feeling slightly depressed I went home, knowing that the stuff I wanted to put out for work-shopping was still in my notebook completely unseen. Part of the problem is my over independence, and pride in my own abilities. There is also a problem, that I am unable to say to someone, "but it's my turn now" and I don't like to be in the limelight too much.

If I am too scared to draw attention on myself, and to ask for some time with people focusing on me, do I have any right to feel disappointed when I walk out feeling inferior and unnoticed? I know in my head that if I were to ask for attention it would be given to me, but I have spent my life staying out of the way. I have spent a lot of time not drawing too much attention to myself, and allowing others to get attention. I sometimes think that perhaps I am a little too giving and people take me for granted.

I don't know if others realise what I do, and I know that it is only ever afterwards, when I'm feeling down, that I realise what I was doing all day. If I cannot always tell that I am giving too much, how can others? If I never push myself forward, I will never get real recognition of what I do, but if I push myself forward I feel really selfish, and stupid. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ever get the recognition that I want without putting my feelings into an eternal conflict?

I suppose I blame society for many of what I think of as my "psychological problems". Society doesn't like emotional people. Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness, anger is also portrayed as a big problem emotion. People all want attention on themselves, so the people who are willing to step back, and leave the spotlight, often get walked all over by everyone else. Society is what I think has created the mask that I wear, the mask which I am trying to see through, but I am finding it difficult, as it is rather solid and well established.

I am so used to seeing me wearing the mask, that I get scared if I catch a glimpse of what is behind. The mask is so natural and so realistic that most people would never believe it to be there at all.