I found a rose...

I found a rose today. It was wrapped in toilet paper, and placed in the gap where a book usually sits on my bookshelf. It was completely flat and dried out. It was also so dark that it looked a purplish black.

That rose has been there for about six months. I put it there after I went on the Cape Of Good Hope Chrysalis flight, because I never wanted the memories to fade. But, over time, I forgot that it was even there. It took a chance event, my mother borrowing that precise book, to bring the flower to light. I have read the books it was between enough that I had no plans to reread them soon, and so without that event, the rose would have remain undiscovered. Possibly becoming drier and flatter.

Sometimes that is what walking with God is like. We discover something important, and so we tuck it away in our memories, somewhere safe, where we can preserve it. Make sure that it will last forever. But then, we have put it away so safely that we do not think of it again, until a chance event brings it to our attention. This rose was not completely forgotten, and I have other reminders of Chrysalis, but the state in which I found it, and the way in which I found it, are meaningful.

The black rose has many strong and dark connotations. But this rose was a beautiful red specimen when I received it. Now, I could call it black and brittle, and say it is dying, or I could say it is dark purple, and well preserved. It will not rot, instead I will be able to keep it forever, although I should probably label it if I want to remember where it came from. The chance of finding it, depended on someone else wanting to read a particular book on my shelf. One that most of the time doesn't even feature on my "recommend to people" list. Yet it was borrowed, and the rose was brought to light.

My thoughts on this? God works in weird and wonderful ways, and nothing is ever a coincidence. Instead it is a God-incidence.

Working for God

Oh, look, its been about a month since my last post. You know what else? I have just had blog-worthy stuff happening in my life. It's kinda weird how that can happen. Maybe I'm subconsciously saving everything up for a monthly release into the world. It could happen, right? But never mind that, I don't want to right a post about what's happening in my head, instead I want to share what's been happening in my life.

I think I mentioned in my last post that I was going to be embarking on an internship, well I did. I spent two weeks working in a finance area. There were five of us in the internship, two with computer science backgrounds, and three who are studying finance. We arrived nervous and unsure of what to expect. By lunch on Day one, we knew what we had to do, and we knew that it would be a lot of hard work. Essentially, for those who know about pension funds, we had to hedge two different types of annuities in two weeks. We were given tons of assumptions we could make, and told of some simplifications which actually caused issues later on, but we all learned loads. I picked up a feel foe financial stuff that I never expected to have, which I'm sure will serve me very well in the future, and I learned quite a bit about working with a brand new team of people.

Overall the internship was good. But there were some troubling things. One, the pressure we were under. It was unreal. It was also mostly self imposed, or rather group imposed. I didn't like it, but we worked insane hours (in my opinion) and had limited rewards for that. I didn't even work the worst hours of the lot. Another, and it's a rather funny small thing, but I got sick. Probably because of working really hard and not being able to send a sick team mate home because of time restrictions.

After the internship though, is when things get really interesting. I had the opportunity to attend a Chrysalis flight. A weekend of such love, and intensity as I have never felt. They say it is a once in a lifetime experience, and I can understand why. If it wasn't, I think young people would be flooding the flights, and the experience would end up watered down. So, briefly, what is a Chrysalis flight?

A Chrysalis flight is kind of a "young people's version" of the Walk to Emmaus. Based on the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly, by spending time in a cocoon or chrysalis. This is a three day camp where young people are immersed in God's love, having to rely on others for everything, and so learning to let go of there lives. It is a time to truly experience that God is love, and a time to grow closer to God through study. Surrounded by an international community of prayer, the caterpillars are so soaked in prayer that it is surprising we do not end up saturated. That community offers support beyond the three day walk, allowing the butterflies who emerge to grow further in relationship with one another and Christ.

On this weekend I discovered that I am not as alone in my situation as I have often felt. I have met others who are in the same kind of place as me, and who are the same kind of age as me. It is this that truly made Chrysalis for me. That sense of never actually being alone has touched many lives over the years, and this weekend people shared with us what it meant to them, so inspiring us to share with others. I feel that I did indeed grow in my journey with Christ, and in the spirit of the title of this blog, I think I can share that I felt that two things I really needed to leave at the cross with Jesus were my pride and my fear of rejection. How well I will do at actually leaving them behind me I do not know, but with Jesus I believe I can overcome then, and live my life more fully in the hands and plans of God.

For all I speak of the joy that Chrysalis was (and I loved every moment, even when tired) there is a problem. After any type of high, be it chemical, spiritual, or emotional, there will always come a crash. For me that came when I returned home, and started having to deal with real life again. Being sick, and completely losing my voice make small things seem worse. Trying to respond to all my email, and make sure that I don't miss anything important. Catching up to varsity stuff once again, after ignoring it for a while. Having administrative errors on my side, coming from past mistakes, and things being in my calendar wrongly. All of these things were no easier to deal with for having been connected solely to God over the weekend. But I rest assured in his love for me. That no matter how bad things may seem, in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have been called. I'm not sure where yet, but God has a plan, and I want to follow that plan.

Life... it's about exams

It takes a lot more than good intentions to be able to blog regularly. It takes having something worth blogging about. I guess that's why some blogs get people following them, and why others don't. Be that as it may, I blog because it clears my head a bit, and helps me to look at things with a bit of perspective. Also, its a great way to feel productive while actually procrastinating. Well, it looks like I am doing a kind of monthly "tell the world what I am doing" thing.

So, what is happening around the turn of the month? First off, that nightmare of every student's life, exams. I'm lucky this term, just three subjects to write off. Graph theory, well, I think I should have passed it. Learning proofs is not my forte, so I struggled a bit with the studying for that one. The next two will be more interesting. Expert Systems are intriguing, and doing the assignment gave me a much deeper understanding of how the systems actually work. Which means it was a good assignment. I expect that exam to be a breeze. The most interesting one though, is certain to be category theory. I could almost do a set of posts on topics in category theory, and call them my study notes, but I'm not sure that I would get through everything then, and I would likely leave the project unfinished. Which would be fine if it wasn't visible to the world.

Why is category theory the interesting exam? Simply put, because it isn't an exam. It's an oral presentation of three topics which were covered over the semester. The lecturer doesn't believe in written exams as a fair test of knowledge. This suits me just fine, it means that understanding will be tested, rather than having to memorise a bunch of proofs. Yes there will be definitions to remember, but every mathematician has to know a bunch of definitions. So, what I'm supposed to be doing now is revising my category theory (I will get there).

After exams? HOLIDAYS! Well, technically. There is still the major project, and I have scored an internship. Interning should be pretty intriguing, actually. I'll be working in a huge company for two weeks, and getting paid. Life could be worse. I don't actually know what to expect, but I'm facing it as a learning experience, hoping that afterwards I will have a better idea of whether I could handle working as a software developer. I know it would pay well, and that there are plenty of opportunities available, so it might be worth it. I'm also pretty sure though, that if I do go into industry it will only be for a few years. And then I will probably end up teaching. I think that is where my passion lies, and where God is pointing me. But I also think it would be silly to let a really good opportunity pass me by. Especially when people personally ask me to attend interview type events...

That takes us to the end of June, so I guess I'll write another post after the internship, highlighting what happened, and looking forward into July. So, now that I have rambled on about the future, I guess it is time to actually do some work.

What May have been, and what May come.

I haven't been posting much, why? Simple actually, I've been both busy, and not so stressed that I need to blow off steam at anyone who might be listening. Possibly also, I forget... but I tend to try and avoid using that as a reason for anything. So, what have I been doing? Lots and lots of work,a short holiday, and then the work all picked up again. That makes for a boring summary, I know, but it feels pretty accurate.


I don't really need to give much of an overview of what I have done work wise, since my last post was just before exams started at the end of the last term. It is now a couple of weeks into the new term, and I am still trying to find a rhythm, which may take a while considering the CS timetabling technique (take a calendar, put lectures on days, change them a week later) and the fact that there are people in the department who seem to enjoy setting deadlines and schedules without consulting the published timetable, or their colleagues.But, that is not the point, what is done is done. I have a project (yay) which, if I can get through all the literature, should be pretty awesome.

Outside of University, I have not been completely nerdy. I have been playing second team hockey for my club, and trying to keep people coming to my fledgling youth group. The hockey has been awesome, and I enjoy the spirit which the club embraces. It means I have been getting plenty of regular exercise, and working hard on the field. This is definitely good for my health! The youth stuff, well that goes a bit oddly I think. We have been dwindling a little, but not too much, and hopefully things will start to look up a bit, with Youth Alpha starting this week. There might be some new faces, and if we get it right, they will hopefully stay fr the duration of the course.

So, what may come in May? Hopefully good things, although I am sure there will be plenty of stress and hard work. The youth looks like it will be good, the hockey would surprise me if it went bad, and the varsity work? Well it will be hard, and maths will scare me, but I think it will be worth the effort in the end. So all in all, a full looking month, but hopefully a good one.

Long weekends and term endings

This year, the April holidays are all weird. This is due to Easter being late, but it makes for some very interesting times ahead, in the next couple of weeks. This last weekend was a long one with Human Rights day on Friday. I could probably write a post about the meaning of Human Rights day in South Africa, but Friday was actually more a celebration of my mother's birthday for me. The whole long weekend also meant that my family took the time to get away from the business that clogs up our lives. My youngest brother spent the weekend on a Scout camp, building rafts and catapults. The rest of the family escaped to Simonstown, and the lovely sea views of the Simonsberg.

That was most certainly time well spent, no matter how unproductive sea views might sound. Whilst the amount of work I got done was minimal, the weekend away from the rat race was helpful in resetting my mind to a place where my university work is fun again. I no longer feel like I'm drowning, and I can appreciate the beauty and simplicity of Category Theory (whilst still feeling a little lost). I can also focus now on studying for exams. This might be another reason for my feelings of relief.

I have been working on one project per CS course for the last few weeks, and it felt like the work would just never end. Now, I have handed them all in, and I have some time to spend studying for exams rather than focussing on the implementation of the skills we were learning alongside the project. I can go back and do all the readings that I may have skipped while working on the projects. I can look through past papers and come to understand what I am supposed to know for each course. In this, I quite like the structure of my courses, taking only half a semester, and then writing an exam, and writing them off. It is a little scary to be writing exams on absolutely no feedback in terms of marks, but I suppose it just means I must make sure I know everything as well as I can before I go into the exam, not that I would do different in different circumstances.

What becomes fairly odd though, is that I write some exams next week, the week after that I have short vac, and then a week later it is Easter, and so there are holidays all scattered there. There is also Freedom day, and then Worker's day, and then voting day, all of which are holidays. So for the first three weeks of the new term, there is not a one which is a full week. It is a rather spectacular spray of holidays. Lots of time to either do intensive work on a single topic, or else time to relax, visit the beach, climb a mountain, read a book, something of that nature.

So having ramble on, mostly about one topic, I sign off, thinking about what remains of my evening, and realising that eight o'clock hockey practises are actually really late.

A bit of this, a bit of that

Really, my life is an interesting mix of different pieces. I have all the "I'm working harder than I have for years" stuff with my honours course work. I have the "yay, I get to play hockey with cool people" stuff. I also have the "I just got bored out of my socks while learning a lot at youth synod" stuff. So, a fairly even mix of everything, yeah? But t is a bit of this and a bit of that.

I spent Friday night and most of Saturday at the Cape of Good Hope district Youth Synod that was held in Hout bay this weekend. It was at the same time really interesting and really boring. The business stuff, where people were giving the same points over and over again, in different words and accents, was not so much fun. But there was also a lot of really useful information that I came out with. Stuff about the Laws and Disciplines of the MCSA that I didn't know. It was also a bit of a networking experience. I could see that in the district there are people who are trying to make things better for the youth of this area.

I was mostly frustrated by the lack of organisation for this weekend, and the inability of things to run on time, and of course, even when everything runs over, pretty much nothing can be cancelled, except for the parts where the person who has come to present leaves because the time is over and they haven't started. I do appreciate that these things are difficult to organise, and that the delegates were all woefully under-prepared, but I do think that it could be made to work. I also think, that if I'm not careful, I might find myself one of the people who has to try and organise such things in the future. Not for at least a year, but this time next year, I will have much more of a feel for what is happening in my circuit, and more of a presence in the district. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but I have to avoid it until I have the time.

That is one bit of this. Other things that happen, I finally handed in the NVP/PCU business plan that has been plaguing me for the last few weeks. I do not have to care about it any more, except perhaps to wonder what my mark will be like. It is over, there is no possible way for me to change it now. I am glad, it is a relief to have that off my shoulders. Not that it means my work load is any less. I have an evolutionary computing algorithm to code up to solve the travelling salesman problem (which is apparently not a terribly hard thing, it just needs to run a zillion times). Also, there is this weird information retrieval thing that I need to help with. When I say weird, I mean we aren't even that sure about what we have to get done, other than the fact that it might well require learning XSLT, to convert the format of about 10GB of XML into the right format.

Besides those two projects there is a write up for the visualisation that has been pretty much created, and we need to try and make it sit happily on a website, possibly through some clever javascript that other people have written. Beyond that there is always maths (which is still cool) and I have been learning tikz, because I have to type up my Graph Theory homework using LaTeX. That is kind of fun though. Writing out these nodes and an edge set and seeing it come out as a nice picture with very straight neat lines.

What else, oh yes, hockey, I have trials tomorrow night. That will be cool, if I don't get lost on the way to the astro, but I'm sure I will find my way. People did actually tell me where it is, and this seems to agree with Google Maps, so I stand a chance.

See, very much a bit of this and a bit of that.
But all very much worth doing. For all my exhaustion, I am having a really good time this year.

University and Reading

So, this is not necessarily a very meaningful post, but I am currently sitting in on a lecture on the fundamentals of mathematics, where the lecturer is going over the logic stuff that I did when I was in first year. The point of sitting in is of course for the times when my undergrad maths didn't quite cover everything it needed to. So, whilst half listening to a maths lecture, I am thinking about what I have blogged about in the past. One of the common topics, is books. Those amazing things where the author provides an escape into a whole new world.

What does that have to do with university and reading? Well, the answer is simple. When I am busy with lectures and projects all day every day, I have less time to read. Well, I don't mean that my daily intake of written words decreases, but rather that the style of writing I read most changes. In the holidays there is time for as many novels as I like, and I can spend the mental energy on trying to read some of those books that come up in lists of books everyone should read, like the Illiad or Paradise lost. During the term, however, I mostly find that I am reading papers and textbooks which expand on topics discussed in class. Interestingly, the types of blogs I find time to read don't change, simply the volume.

I do have some time for novels though, I suppose, judging by the fact of my library books, those suggest that I manage to read a book every two weeks or so. Possibly a little shorter than two weeks. So perhaps I am not all so busy as I want people to think, but then I look around, and realise that there are people in my classes who have time to read all the extra resources posted for each course, and who have made even more progress on their projects than I have. I then remember, also, that these people, are much wiser than me, and do not do extra maths courses simply because they are awesome. Admittedly they don't think maths is awesome.

Okay, now that I have gone so far off that I don't know where I am, and I need a map to return to the point of this post, let me try find a new one. So I do have time to read (and maybe sleep) but I have to choose my reading material carefully. Reading papers and textbooks is very good for my knowledge base, but is it helpful in other ways? Will it help me sleep? Will it help me to solve the problem which makes up the project I am currently working on? I don't know. Will a novel do that? It might help me sleep, but I'm pretty sure it won't fulfill the others, except in a secondary manner.

On that note, I will make a decision. I should continue in my efforts to read through the whole wheel of time series, but I should also try to make time to read important extra material. Also, readinag around the topics on my own is a good idea. Thus may I justify to myself the download of the Principia Mathimatica from Archive.org.