Defense vs offence

Over the past few months and weeks, I have come across many different place where I am being challenged in my faith. People asking me why I believe in God. Is there really a God? It came to a bit of a head a few days ago when I was reading the comments on an atheist blog attacking C.S. Lewis for a single statement he made.

What depressed me when reading that, was not the points brought forward, but rather the way in which the author argued her points. Sure, there is space for discussion on whether or not there is a God, but if you are going to debate, please apply logic. Perhaps my perception of logic is slightly skewed, by being a Computer Scientist, and I like cold hard irrefutable facts, but arguments should be full, and refute all points made.

I have seen lots of bad arguments, both for and against Christianity, but seriously, they don't seem to hold water either way. The only way to prove something is to begin with an irrefutable fact.  Something that everyone agrees is fundamental to life, the universe and everything. A statement of fact that will be accepted by the strongest naturalist, the most unbelieving atheist, and also the strongest, most evangelical Christian.

The argument must then build on this fact. finding possible reasons for it, and developing them until a contradiction is reached, or the are definitely still right. The proof by contradiction, is possibly one of the simplest forms of mathematical proof to understand. It is fundamentally easy to understand when you form a contradiction, so we can take our fact, and list a few possible reasons for it. We can then extrapolate from there until we reach a decision. Either what we are postulating is valid, or we will reach a contradiction, an have to return to our last correct point.

This process can be used all the way upwards until we reach an agreement, and a decision is made. I will not say now, that the decision will be either one way or the other, because then I would have to fully flesh out the argument, and that is a post in its own right. Instead I will say, if you want to argue, at least argue in a logically sound manner.

That is the offence side of the story. If you want to correctly defend your stand point, the laws of logic should still hold. You should still not argue with logical fallacies. And should argue against every point raised. It is no use when debating a point to allow emotions to cloud your judgement. Arguments should be clear and concise, and not attack the character of the person against whom you are arguing.

It is not useful to hurt the person you are arguing with, or to ignore points they put forward. It does not help to slander people in any way, unless you do not actually want your arguments to be taken seriously.

Running away

Fear, a strange emotion, and more often than not, a completely irrational feeling. The things that we are scared of are often things we can do nothing about, perhaps that's why they scare us. But sometimes we are far more scared of the difficulty we have faced before.

I know that one thing I fear, perhaps irrationally, is failure. To make matters worse if I have to repeat something I have failed previously the days beforehand are far worser than the days before my first attempt.

The problem? I have no idea how to effectively and productively deal with the fear and nervousness that I find bothering me. I end up procrastinating the things I know I can do, and just ignoring life in general. Or at least that's what I do when I'm on holiday, because when I have other things that I cannot ignore I find it much easier to focus, and to get through whatever it is that is freaking me out, be it a test or exam, or something else entirely. I sit all day reading, or watching movies, or series, or anime, and listening to wild, heavy music, that probably isn't helping my emotions.

I find myself dreaming of escaping into a fantasy world. I dream of living in the story of a favorite book, or mixing together various different stories, with myself the center of attention. Unfortunately I know these things will never happen, and so when I bring myself back to reality I feel guilty about trying to escape everything, which only adds to the bad feelings swimming around in my stomach (at least that's where it feels worst).

The problem with my fear of failure, is that I know I can do something, but when I have to be tested I freak out. I've tried for optimism, and then failed, and so now I know that I don't want to fail again. But I can't feel like this time I'll make it, I want the pass too much to just let it go, but I can't convince myself that I will pass, because I don't want to end up hurting again.

So what do I do to deal with the fear? I suppose, rather than ignoring the problem I should tackle it head on, find out everything I can, and study whatever I need to to get through the "test". Problem, that isn't easy. Sure I can hit myself over the head with the cliché about doing what is right not what is easy, but it isn't a matter of life or death, so really, sometimes I wonder what the point is. The only person who will be really upset if I fail is myself, and I really shouldn't put myself under so much pressure.

So what do I do? Do I take the easy way out, or do I decide to tackle my problems head on? Well to tell you the truth, it depends on the nature of the problem, and if I've succeeded or failed with a problem of that nature before. If I've succeeded at something similar before, then I can certainly handle any variation. If, however, I've failed at something similar before, it will depend on how much it matters, and hoe easy the task is. An easy task I will fight to get right, a difficult one, I might give up.

What is Computer Science?

In a rather unhelpful attempt to work out what I really want to do with my life, I decided that since my main interest at the moment is computer science, I would try googling the difference between Computer Science and Computer Programming or Software Engineering. Unfortunately for me, no-one really seems to know what the difference is, and this leads to some rather interesting discussions on forums (such as this one on Advogato) that actually told me nothing that I didn't already know.

In other words, I know that computer programmers write programs (no duh!) but that they have to understand a decent bit of theory to program well. It is also a fact that a self-taught computer programmer is able to learn enough to be one of the top at whatever they do, without a formal university education in programming or computer science. I also know that computer science is a fairly theoretical field much like physics is, but that most people consider it to be all about algorithms.

Now I know that there is far more to computer science than just algorithms, but I still can't work out what it is. My current university degree doesn't seem to help, since I've done the first three computer science courses and so far all I've learned is how to write average Java code and maybe solve problems (although I mostly learned that by entering programming competitions where the problems were harder and there was time pressure). Also I know that there is a lot more to programming that we haven't covered yet(but I did in high school) like documentation, and proper design.

All the posts that I come up with about computer science vs programming seem to be UK based where people have the opposite problem to me, they are being taught real computer science in their computer science degrees, when actually they just want to know how to do some good coding and get a job as a software engineer. I agree that that is what most people want from their computer science degree, and so my degree is teaching what most people expect it to teach them, unfortunately it doesn't seem to teach the difference between computer science and programming.

In my ignorance I feel like I am completely missing the point somehow, however, I really wanted to know the answers to my questions, and I can't find them.

Feelings of inadequacy

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I am ready for anything, other times I wake up, because my alarm went off and I just wish I could stay in bead for the day, doing nothing. I know on these days that in reality I would feel awful at the end of the day, but I wish I could have a lazy day without feeling worse about myself afterwards. Part of the reason I would wish for a lazy day is escapism, I sometimes wish I could just get away from life, from petty things like money and as a student, marks. I just want to leave it all behind and live like a hermit in a forest somewhere getting food when I need it, and not having to interact with people.

I know it’s not possible in the world I live in though. In order to survive there are certain standards that have to be met. For one thing, living in the forest would not be allowed (unless say I owned the forest), for another, there is no way to get food without money and no money unless you work, and there is no work that means you never interact with people. So that means every day I get out of bed and I get ready to meet what the day may throw at me. It isn’t always easy to keep going through the day, especially when it has a slow start, but I must get through in order to fulfil my dreams.

Unfortunately sometimes I get up to push through a slow day, and then end up feeling extremely inadequate when I just can’t remember some formula, or how to solve a certain problem, and it looks like it should be simple but I JUST CAN’T DO IT! It’s frustrating to say the least, and it leaves me feeling down, and like there is no way out of this slump. I remember all the stupid things I’ve done that I need to fix, the lost things that I need to find or sadly replace, and these things start to get me down. I just want to hide my head in the sand and let the world fix its own problems; unfortunately the world can’t just randomly fix my problems and so I get depressed. 

I then remember the things that should be making me feel better about myself, and they really don’t help, in fact half the time they make me feel worse. I know that there are people who love me, and that there is a God who will never leave me and never forsake me, but I feel like I have let them down. Like I should be perfect because of that love that they have for me, but I can’t. I can’t always get everything right, I don’t know everything that they want me too. I can’t live up to my own standards. Admittedly I am somewhat a perfectionist, and I dislike being wrong about anything, but it can get depressing if things just aren’t going the way you want them to.

There are times when I find myself wishing I could just lose the perfectionist trait from my character because it works against me so often, but I know that I cannot lose a trait, I can only work at living with it and using it to make a positive difference and not to make impossibilities for myself. Sadly that’s easier said than done, and I actually have no idea where to start. Unless of course it is right here, and I have already started simply by expressing some of my feelings of inadequacy, but it really doesn’t feel like enough. Ironic I know and rather recursive. So if you’re bored you can read this again and again, and see that I still feel inadequate at the end.

I must append a short post script here, as I had to face people to get internet, I found that the best way to feel better, was to interact with those people who care about me.

A change in tone

A new year and a new start. A cliche that can really take on a lot of meaning in one's life. My new start with my blog will take the form of a change in style, or tone.

I've done some thinking, and its all very well to blog about the abstract, and whats going on deep inside, but sometimes what is on the surface or just under the surface is just as important to who we really are. There are things that happen in life that really do help to define us, but they are sometimes so commonplace that we skip over them, thinking they're part of our mask.

What is often really important is to find out who we think we are, and who we think we're showing ourselves as, because as with many things acceptance is the first step to taking action. So defining the mask, could aid in taking it off.

Somehow for me anything positive can be one of those things that is mistaken for the mask, and underneath I am all gloomy and 'emo' to use a colloquial term. But I really am not. I am actually for the most part an extremely happy and blessed person. I have a loving family and great friends and boyfriend. I am not crying myself to sleep every night, but rather go to bed smiling.

I have been able to get involved in things I love and am passionate about, at my church and university. I can go to Church every week and know that the people there will treat me like family, and will love me for who I am. And working with those people over time to run programs for the youth at the church, can lead to some of the most intense times of spiritual growth and development.

So I hope to be able to lift the tone of my blog, and put some things in a positive light. Sure sometimes its great to air all our troubles, but we really must remember that we should also look back and count our blessings. Life is not all about sadness or hard times, and whilst those are a reality they should perhaps be overwhelmed by the positive things.

So lets get started putting a positive spin on things.

New year's eve

New year's eve, and I'm sitting in front of my computer doing some thinking. Most of the world's population is out and about or has plans to be out this evening. Most of those will become so drunk that they wont even remember midnight tonight. Most of them will wake up tomorrow with a headache, some wont wake up at all. People are out having the biggest party of the year, the biggest party because its world wide. There are a few, like me and my family who will spend the evening at home, probably not even staying up until midnight, the biggest change for us being that the date has changes and new things are starting up again.

What I want to know is; what is the point of celebrating the new year? Why do people make such a big fuss about seeing in the new year? If you told me it was just an excuse to have a ginormous party I would believe you. People are willing to go out and risk their lives and the lives of other innocent people because they're driving drunk home from the last party of the year. I can understand wanting to have a joll, but why must people be so irresponsible about it?

I'm sure that the road death toll increases even more in the early hours of January than it does through December. Even though December has Christmas as its major party, which really is huge, its not everyone. There are many religions which do not believe in Christmas, meaning that the followers of those religions have much less of a Christmas party, and many people who do believe in Christmas are much more conservative than those going out partying.

Although I suppose, if you're not going to go mad on Christmas you're less likely to go all out on New Years. Unfortunately, I know there are people who will tone down Christmas, saying its a time for family, but will go wild on new years with their friends. Which means, that everybody who is willing to party at all, will take things up a notch tonight, and be willing to go wild.

If there are so many people who will go wild, that the cops have to extra careful in certain areas, surely they should apply some reason to what they are doing? It seems to me, that on New Year's eve, the entire world forgets to think rationally, and allows for the biggest consumption of alcohol in one evening, world wide, that I can possibly think of. I don't have the data but it makes sense.

So why do people do it? What's so special about the new year? We aren't more mature, We aren't going to have our pasts wiped away, sure we make resolutions, but honestly, we can do that any time. So why start now?

What's really there

Many people would ask "Why other side of the mask?" and I would have to answer now, that perhaps it is a cry for attention, a cry out for people to notice that there is more to me than the outward appearance that I show.

My blog posts are almost all written in times of emotion and stress, times when I feel depressed and/or angry. I write to express emotions that other-wise end up bottled inside, which any-one could tell you, is extremely dangerous. I write my posts to attempt to let the world see another side to me, a side that has never been shown to any-one except the LORD Jesus Christ who knows me better than I know myself.

This is my attempt now to say, look at who I really am, and listen to me please, I take a while to get started but then the emotion takes over and I simply let go. Somehow it's easier when I don't have to watch as some-one listens to me pouring out all my angst. But here goes.

I want to expose a side of me that I seldom show to any one. I like to put on a mask of courage, and so when around people, no matter how close they are to me, I show as little weakness as I can. I am self-assured, and have no doubts as to my future. I am completely in control of my life, and I seem to be doing exactly the right thing for me.

But at night, when I'm all alone with my thoughts, I start to wonder, will i ever actually make it there? Will I ever achieve that? Will I be able to complete what I am doing now, finish my degree and get a job? Will I ever live my dreams one hundred percent?

These are the uncertainties that nag at the edges off my conscious mind, these are the things that truly worry me. These are the things that cause me the most distress, the things that cause me to try and escape. I turn to material and foolish things. I dream big, of a big house, a big business or project, maybe even a big family. But through it all, some how I always dream of helping people.

This gives me some hope. I know that if I can just get through these uncertainties and take control of my life once more I can get myself into a position where I can make a difference. Perhaps one day I will change someone's life, and then i will know it was all worth it.

With the help of the LORD I believe it might be possible. I might be able to achieve my biggest dreams, I might even be able to take the mask off in person in front of a friend. But most of all, I must believe with all of my heart that I am in a position that he wishes for me to be in. Other wise my life loses all meaning. If it were not for my Heavenly Father and my LORD Jesus Christ, my life would be a different story. Unfortunately, that is a story for another time for now, I will take what hope I can from my belief, and I will do my best to trust in the LORD.