A change in tone

A new year and a new start. A cliche that can really take on a lot of meaning in one's life. My new start with my blog will take the form of a change in style, or tone.

I've done some thinking, and its all very well to blog about the abstract, and whats going on deep inside, but sometimes what is on the surface or just under the surface is just as important to who we really are. There are things that happen in life that really do help to define us, but they are sometimes so commonplace that we skip over them, thinking they're part of our mask.

What is often really important is to find out who we think we are, and who we think we're showing ourselves as, because as with many things acceptance is the first step to taking action. So defining the mask, could aid in taking it off.

Somehow for me anything positive can be one of those things that is mistaken for the mask, and underneath I am all gloomy and 'emo' to use a colloquial term. But I really am not. I am actually for the most part an extremely happy and blessed person. I have a loving family and great friends and boyfriend. I am not crying myself to sleep every night, but rather go to bed smiling.

I have been able to get involved in things I love and am passionate about, at my church and university. I can go to Church every week and know that the people there will treat me like family, and will love me for who I am. And working with those people over time to run programs for the youth at the church, can lead to some of the most intense times of spiritual growth and development.

So I hope to be able to lift the tone of my blog, and put some things in a positive light. Sure sometimes its great to air all our troubles, but we really must remember that we should also look back and count our blessings. Life is not all about sadness or hard times, and whilst those are a reality they should perhaps be overwhelmed by the positive things.

So lets get started putting a positive spin on things.

New year's eve

New year's eve, and I'm sitting in front of my computer doing some thinking. Most of the world's population is out and about or has plans to be out this evening. Most of those will become so drunk that they wont even remember midnight tonight. Most of them will wake up tomorrow with a headache, some wont wake up at all. People are out having the biggest party of the year, the biggest party because its world wide. There are a few, like me and my family who will spend the evening at home, probably not even staying up until midnight, the biggest change for us being that the date has changes and new things are starting up again.

What I want to know is; what is the point of celebrating the new year? Why do people make such a big fuss about seeing in the new year? If you told me it was just an excuse to have a ginormous party I would believe you. People are willing to go out and risk their lives and the lives of other innocent people because they're driving drunk home from the last party of the year. I can understand wanting to have a joll, but why must people be so irresponsible about it?

I'm sure that the road death toll increases even more in the early hours of January than it does through December. Even though December has Christmas as its major party, which really is huge, its not everyone. There are many religions which do not believe in Christmas, meaning that the followers of those religions have much less of a Christmas party, and many people who do believe in Christmas are much more conservative than those going out partying.

Although I suppose, if you're not going to go mad on Christmas you're less likely to go all out on New Years. Unfortunately, I know there are people who will tone down Christmas, saying its a time for family, but will go wild on new years with their friends. Which means, that everybody who is willing to party at all, will take things up a notch tonight, and be willing to go wild.

If there are so many people who will go wild, that the cops have to extra careful in certain areas, surely they should apply some reason to what they are doing? It seems to me, that on New Year's eve, the entire world forgets to think rationally, and allows for the biggest consumption of alcohol in one evening, world wide, that I can possibly think of. I don't have the data but it makes sense.

So why do people do it? What's so special about the new year? We aren't more mature, We aren't going to have our pasts wiped away, sure we make resolutions, but honestly, we can do that any time. So why start now?

What's really there

Many people would ask "Why other side of the mask?" and I would have to answer now, that perhaps it is a cry for attention, a cry out for people to notice that there is more to me than the outward appearance that I show.

My blog posts are almost all written in times of emotion and stress, times when I feel depressed and/or angry. I write to express emotions that other-wise end up bottled inside, which any-one could tell you, is extremely dangerous. I write my posts to attempt to let the world see another side to me, a side that has never been shown to any-one except the LORD Jesus Christ who knows me better than I know myself.

This is my attempt now to say, look at who I really am, and listen to me please, I take a while to get started but then the emotion takes over and I simply let go. Somehow it's easier when I don't have to watch as some-one listens to me pouring out all my angst. But here goes.

I want to expose a side of me that I seldom show to any one. I like to put on a mask of courage, and so when around people, no matter how close they are to me, I show as little weakness as I can. I am self-assured, and have no doubts as to my future. I am completely in control of my life, and I seem to be doing exactly the right thing for me.

But at night, when I'm all alone with my thoughts, I start to wonder, will i ever actually make it there? Will I ever achieve that? Will I be able to complete what I am doing now, finish my degree and get a job? Will I ever live my dreams one hundred percent?

These are the uncertainties that nag at the edges off my conscious mind, these are the things that truly worry me. These are the things that cause me the most distress, the things that cause me to try and escape. I turn to material and foolish things. I dream big, of a big house, a big business or project, maybe even a big family. But through it all, some how I always dream of helping people.

This gives me some hope. I know that if I can just get through these uncertainties and take control of my life once more I can get myself into a position where I can make a difference. Perhaps one day I will change someone's life, and then i will know it was all worth it.

With the help of the LORD I believe it might be possible. I might be able to achieve my biggest dreams, I might even be able to take the mask off in person in front of a friend. But most of all, I must believe with all of my heart that I am in a position that he wishes for me to be in. Other wise my life loses all meaning. If it were not for my Heavenly Father and my LORD Jesus Christ, my life would be a different story. Unfortunately, that is a story for another time for now, I will take what hope I can from my belief, and I will do my best to trust in the LORD.

Feeling loved

Everyone wants to be loved by someone. We don't all know where to look for that love or what form we want that love in, but when someone tells us they love us we feel happy.

Sometimes we look for love by trying to be the best at everything, we mistake recognition for love. Sometimes we look to people for love. Random people, or people we know. We look to friends and family to comfort us in times of need or distress. This is healthy and normal.

Looking to people we know love us to affirm that love can help boost our confidence and kick us out of whatever funk we may have fallen into.

However, this Sunday I experienced the most awesome love. Whilst worshipping in a church service, I found myself crying. Then the worship leader started playing a softer song, and told us to pray for forgiveness, and to forgive ourselves for what we had been holding onto. During this time of prayer, I felt as though someone was giving the biggest and most comforting hug ever. God held me in his arms, and told me that he forgave me everything I had done.

I stood up again later feeling more at peace with the world, and with myself than I had for ages. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I hadn't even known it was there.

This is the most amazing love, the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Happiness

I have found, that when life is going well, I don't stop to consider my actions as often. I am quite happy to just carry on with things as they are. I don't feel the need to change or to instigate change. It is this complacency that catches me out though. I stop having to try, and then when a challenge does come along I don't know what to do with it, I am unused to solving problems in my life and I struggle more than I should.

If I were to inspect my life when things are going easily what would I find? Is life going well because of something that I should make note of for when it is not? Is there something that I am suppressing that should be dealt with now that might cause me pain later? Well perhaps now is the time to have a look.

My life is pretty good at the moment, I have good friends, a loving family and I'm not having any trouble with my studies. I have the opportunity to play hockey twice or three times a week, and I am able to get eight to ten hours of sleep every night. I have slipped into the routine of University life fairly easily after the holidays, and my biggest worry is when/where I am going to eat my lunch.

So what is different now to the times when I feel stupid, unloved, or otherwise depressed? What am I doing that I don't do then? One thing could be that I am getting plenty of sleep, but there are times when I feel on top of my game and I have had too little sleep. There are also times when I've had plenty of sleep, and still felt absolutely awful.

Summer is coming, perhaps its that, I am enjoying the warmer weather and sunshine, but summer is not all "sunshine and daisies" to use the cliche, it has plenty of grey, rainy days. Maybe I am keeping busy, and so have no time to feel depressed, but when I have no time I do get stressed and negative.

So why am I happy? Should I be asking the question like this, or should I just accept the fact that I am happy and appreciate it without trying to take it apart as if it were wrong, and should not be allowed. If I try hard enough, I can think of many things to be depressed and negative about, but if I just do not allow myself that option, I can remain happy for that much longer.

Stepping back

Sometimes I feel really selfish. Mostly when I decide something didn't go the way I would have liked, or when I put in a lot of time and effort but get nothing out.

I went to a workshop today, hoping to learn something and to work through some thing I had started with the experts, but there wasn't time for my piece because I went and helped someone else with there's. So afterwards, tired and feeling slightly depressed I went home, knowing that the stuff I wanted to put out for work-shopping was still in my notebook completely unseen. Part of the problem is my over independence, and pride in my own abilities. There is also a problem, that I am unable to say to someone, "but it's my turn now" and I don't like to be in the limelight too much.

If I am too scared to draw attention on myself, and to ask for some time with people focusing on me, do I have any right to feel disappointed when I walk out feeling inferior and unnoticed? I know in my head that if I were to ask for attention it would be given to me, but I have spent my life staying out of the way. I have spent a lot of time not drawing too much attention to myself, and allowing others to get attention. I sometimes think that perhaps I am a little too giving and people take me for granted.

I don't know if others realise what I do, and I know that it is only ever afterwards, when I'm feeling down, that I realise what I was doing all day. If I cannot always tell that I am giving too much, how can others? If I never push myself forward, I will never get real recognition of what I do, but if I push myself forward I feel really selfish, and stupid. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ever get the recognition that I want without putting my feelings into an eternal conflict?

I suppose I blame society for many of what I think of as my "psychological problems". Society doesn't like emotional people. Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness, anger is also portrayed as a big problem emotion. People all want attention on themselves, so the people who are willing to step back, and leave the spotlight, often get walked all over by everyone else. Society is what I think has created the mask that I wear, the mask which I am trying to see through, but I am finding it difficult, as it is rather solid and well established.

I am so used to seeing me wearing the mask, that I get scared if I catch a glimpse of what is behind. The mask is so natural and so realistic that most people would never believe it to be there at all.

What's the use?

Finding things to do, that help us to feel worthy, and like we are truly fulfilling our purpose on earth is difficult and has been something I have wondered about for a while. Some people say follow your heart, some people say, follow the money. I know that my heart will never lead me along the money route, but where will it lead?

I recently filled out a questionnaire which helps you to isolate what your Spiritual Gifts are. This questionnaire comes as part of the Network Course, which is all about finding your place in God's plans for his people. I came out with a few obviously helpful gifts, like teaching and helps. I also came out with a less emphasized gift: Craftsmanship.

Where can I use this gift, while still making a difference to people's lives, and without having to be super organized? People say, "well, you can make things to help other people's ministry." But I want this to be a form of ministry. I don't want to make stuff and have others see the effect.

This week though, I am helping out on a kids holiday club, and I am watching them interact with a hall that I helped to decorate in the theme. This is making me start to realise that maybe a gift of making things isn't so useless after all. Maybe my bit will be one of the most important in changing some one's life.

I think I need to accept what my gift is and use it to glorify God. I should stop playing down my talents, and let them shine to the world. Show the world that I am proud of the gifts that God has given me! Hiding my talents is a bad idea, and people hate false modesty as much as they hate boasting.

Time to take the mask off that aspect of my personality, and let people see the craftsman shine through!